Better?
“Are you better?” It’s a well meaning question but gets waring when you’re not. “Up and down” or “Heading in the right direction thanks” have been my responses for a while.
I’m writing this exactly 2 years after the accident, and just this week I made a decision.
I have decided that I am better.
It may sound odd but here’s the thing. As long as I’m thinking I’m not yet better, as long as I’m monitoring the down days and continually assessing if I can or should do the next thing, I’m not being better. And therein lies a potential downward spiral.
I am now armed with a whole lot of evidence of betterness - most recently going e-mountain biking and driving round the highlands in a campervan with my son. Driving! Going out! Being in bright and crowded places and being ok! There’s plenty more I can add to the list that are evidence that surely I’m better.
But what even is “better” anyway? Back how I was before? No thanks! I no longer want to go back in time or be who I was before the brain injury. Because in some ways, I’m now better.
Better at having empathy for people struggling with overwhelm and feeling it’s all too much. I get it now.
Better at seeing the struggle in others and not judging from my position of wellness. Life can be a struggle.
Better at respecting my body and brain’s needs and making wise choices to prioritise my own health. Every day.
Better at choosing my thoughts and recognising I can choose to change them.
Better at living in the right now and getting joy from the miracle that it is to be alive, RIGHT NOW.
Better at breathing. Being. Listening. Resting. Enjoying my incredible family and brilliant friends and leaving the jobs and admin for another day. (Ok so yes I’m worse at life admin and being organised. Too bad. And if you want something doing you’re best asking elsewhere.)
So now when someone asks me, my answer is a resounding “Yes, I AM better”! Even if I’ve had some slower days and the fatigue and headaches are hovering.
Because my body and brain are asking the same question and are listening to the answer.
So I’m done. This is my final post-concussion blog post. Thanks for reading. x